Oh spring I miss you

"It always seems impossible until its done." - Nelson Mandela

True. True. I still can not believe it, but I'm done with Herceptin. Her-crap-tin. Done. Goodbye! 

So you would expect me to feel happy and relieved and part of me is. I think. But I'm mostly confused. Not sure what to do now. So this is what they call... life after cancer. 

I need time to heal and I need to give myself this. I owe that to myself. I also need to accept this, which is a tough thing. A year and half I have been riding this medical roller coaster and now I'm getting off. Life just doesn't go on. Or maybe it does... but it's far from anything you're familiar with.  

I am still sad and I still have so much to process. A lot of people don't seem to understand this. It is so hard for me to talk about everything that happened. I still cry a lot (which according to my mother is a good thing).

So I was doing groceries with my mother when we ran into a guy she knew. We talked a bit and I told him I was done with Herceptin and blah blah and while I tell him I notice how sad I get. Then we run into my neighbours... again I have to tell my story. They even asked me if the Herceptin worked? I know I should not get angry for people asking stupid questions because two years ago I did know nothing about cancer and treatment either. But you can't be patient all the time. It does make me angry. Egh and I hate all these questions. To top it all, the lady behind the counter said, "Oh you're hair is growing but I really liked the short hair!" Permission to punch? 

So then I come home I am so sad and all these words and conversations go through my head over and over again. Everything is so overwhelming and I know it's part of what I have to go through to deal with everything. But you're just so damn sick and tired of everything after a year and a half. 

I want sunshine. Little beams of happiness. 

Hair diary update!

But first comes number 17

I am so glad the Holidays and all that festive crap is over. I was so not in the mood. Basically I went to bed at 10.30 p.m. on New year's eve and slept through everything. I was perfectly fine with that.

So now it is a brand new year and I have 1 more Herceptin to go. One. Only weeks ago I thought I would never make it. But really, it's happening. I am doing it!

The thing is, with the Herceptin being gone... I am not done. It's the chapter Herceptin that is closed, finished. I have noticed this is hard to understand for people but I can not simply pick up the pieces and move on.

There is so much 'stuff', unfinished business, left in my head. I am scared. Because for over a year I had my life planned out. I knew I would get sick every three weeks. Everything evolved around cancer. Now I start with a new chapter, a blank page, and it scares me so damn much. I don't even know where to begin.

Thank god for psychologists and people like that. Because they actually have 'ideas' about this issue. Phew.

I am still such an emotional person. Getting up in the morning is the HARDEST part. I feel so sad and lost usually. But sometimes I have better days where I go out and do things, even if it is just groceries, take walks or visit work... I do all of these things. Little steps.

It is so hard for me to answer people's questions though. Not only because I get so emotional and always start crying. But because it is so obvious people will never understand me and I always have to explain everything. According to my psychologist it is all part of the healing. I have to learn how to say I do not want to talk about it. Or perhaps start to talk about something else. It's all one big learning process. Slowly and with a little patience.

But first comes Herceptin number 17/17 on January 24th. 

Bye bye 2013

Goodbye 2013. You were by far the worst year of my life. I can not describe in words the pain you caused me. At the end of this year it feels like I have put you in a way too big bag and I carry you around on my shoulders. Yes the entire weight of 2013 is on my shoulders.

So I want to say goodbye to 2013 and start a new beginning. However I still have to do do two more Herceptin and that isn't easy with something so heavy holding your heart and pushing you down. But I must finish these two first. Hopefully my new year will start in February. I know I still have a lot of stuff to deal with, that huge bag among other things. But baby steps. I want to see the sun shine again. I have been crying so much, I want to smile again.

So here comes 2014 and it better be good. May it be a a healthy and a happy one for all of you! I want to pick up the pieces, find back old treasuries. Draw and paint with new colours. I want peace and balance. Bunny snuggles. Life through a lens. Here comes 2014, here comes the sun...

Updated the hair diary.

The last 2 KM

So after my adventure with the Fluvoxamine anti-depressants and talking to my psychiatrist I (we) decided to try something else. Something just for my anxiety called Pipamperon. Now you have to know I love watching The Walking Dead but actually turning into a zombie now that's a complete different story. It did exactly the opposite as the Fluvoxamine did. I do have to admit it helped with my anxiety but other than that it was horrible. I felt no joy any more. I couldn't even have a normal conversation with my parents! They said I had no facial expression. I couldn't sleep, constant head aches and I was trembling on the inside but looked numb on the outside. So freaky weird.

So for now... no more drugs.

I seriously was about to quit the last two Herceptin, that's how bad I felt. A dead battery; no energy left. But now that I quit those damn pills, okay I'm still nervous as hell... but I do feel better. I feel like myself again. I started painting in my art journal and I enjoy taking walks. Although I don't feel festive and I will be so happy when the Holidays are over... I think I need to finish this treatment even if it's a struggle.

I talked to my psychologist today. She said, "You're not going to quit 2 KM before the finish line right?"

So tomorrow is my birthday, I am turning 32. I am trying not to think about this year too much. I read somewhere, "Don't look back because you're not going into that direction", and it seems very fitting.

I think I will start my New Year in February instead of January. It will be something different for a change.

Happy Holidays to my dear readers! 

Some days there won't be a song in your heart...  SING ANYWAY!

It's a milestone

My very first official haircut!

It seemed worth a post after all the drama.

Got any power left?

Anti-depressants + me = bad idea.

So I will keep this short because it is what it is. But I do feel like I have to share my story and well, this too is part of it.

The side effects that usually occur the first two weeks started to kick in the second day. Even though I was only on 25mg. It was bad. I've never experienced anything like it before. Basically the next four days I spent on the couch crying hysterically. That anxious, nervous feeling I felt before, double it by 3x. I felt nauseau all the time. The Lorazepam I was taking as well did not calm me down. I was so upset and I felt like my head was about to explode.

The thing that scared me most was that Herceptin #14 was coming up. I knew I couldn't do it, not like this. I was a mess.

So after five days I called my doctor and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't live like this for another two weeks and hoping and keeping my fingers crossed the medication would work within 6 weeks. That's no life. Not for me at least, not after everything I've already been through. I need something, and I need it now. So he said it was okay to quit of course, but it would be couple of days before everything was out my system.

So Herceptin #14 was horrible. I was so god damn nervous. Which involves lots of crying and choking. But I made it through another one. Now there's three left. Three. I suppose I have to find a little strenght to finish these last. But seriously, this is not normal. I just wish I could snap my fingers and *poof* cancer gone. Cancer you need to be gone. Out of this fucking world. Nobody, young or old, should have to deal with you. Did I mention how fucking much I hate you?!

Updates: my crazy hair which I have no longer control over. 

Just an ordinary week

MONDAY
I saw my psychologist. For some reason I feel our conversations are getting harder for me. Perhaps because she is getting to know me. Our discussions are intense and confronting. My head is a mess when I leave her office. I try to be completely open though, and tell her what is on my mind. Even though it hurts so much. "I don't know whether it's my soul or my heart", I told her, "but it physically hurts." It's oh so heavy. There's a circle of darkness and it needs to be broken.

TUESDAY
I found out my appointment with my psychiatrist wasn't scheduled for Friday like I thought it was. He called me later that day and told me it was his fault and we made a new appointment. Fortunately he still had some time left on Friday. 

WEDNESDAY
Visiting my oncologist is always a big deal. I prepare myself very well with a list of questions. He told me that he's a bit worried about me starting the Tamoxifen with the state of mind I am currently in. Because it causes depression. So we agreed to wait until I finish my Herceptin in January and we will meet again in February to see how I am doing. I am actually feeling quite relieved about that. Even though he told me I am not an average patient and sometimes you have to mix up the protocols a bit to make it work. He also told me I should be so proud of myself I finished chemo. Herceptin, only four left. It should make a stronger person.

I am always so happy to undress for him ha! Does that sound weird?! I think if you're a bc cancer patient you'll understand. He checks my breasts and lymph nodes and everything looked fine. I am always incredibly relieved after that. He asked me whether I checked myself. I told him I did, but the one where I've had surgery on just feels weird and I never know what to think of it.

He also told my mother I was a bit of 'special' one. He obviously thinks I'm a bit different than his other patients I am not sure why. It must be because of the photography and the art I think. He's probably also amused by the fact I do so much research on the internet.

So then my mother came up with the idea to do another blood test and my onc agreed. Wonderful. So off we went. In the waiting room I told her that my onc asked me whether or not I checked my breasts. But it was a bit loud in there and she didn't understand what I was saying. Next to me was this huuuuge bald guy so I whispered again; "He asked me whether or not I checked my breasts". My mum still did not understand so I got annoyed and all of a sudden yelled, "HE ASKED IF I CHECK MY BOOBIES!" The big bald guy started laughing and his face turned all red. It was so aaawkward.

THURSDAY
So you guys know I started taking calcium because of the whole osteoporosis thing I mentioned a few posts ago.Well apparently calcium has side effects too because I was having diarhoea and cramps for a week now. I called with the nurse and she told me to stop taking them for a while and she will call me back in three weeks. We can either lower the dose or perhaps start taking them every other day. Are you fucking seriously?! Is there any medication out there WITHOUT side effects?! I am so god damn tired of this shit.

FRIDAY
To end the week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about anti-depressants. I did some research in advance, even talked to my own pharmacist. Eventually we both came up with the same name. It's an anti-depressant that, once I start taking Tamoxifen, won't mess with it. Complicated stuff. I will start with 25mg this week and will double my dose next week. I am so scared. Scared of yes, side effects. But it's worth the try. So please keep you fingers crossed for me this thing is going to work without too much trouble. Because I've had it with everything. Please let this be my happy pill. No seriously, just some peace, some breathing... breaking that damn circle.

Mixed feelings

I am not sure if it's smart to write a blog the evening before getting another Herceptin IV. Because I am not myself, so nervous and emotional.

But there's stuff. Things I need to get off my chest. And well it's not like I have many happy days these days anyway.

Before all this cancer crap fell down on me I was working as a project assistant. Before that I worked as a secretary for almost ten years at the same company but at different departments. It was a nice job to start with when you're in your twenties. I've learned a lot about the job and about people.

I am not much of a career person. I prefer a place with a nice atmosphere where I feel comfortable. But when I saw the big 30 coming up, I felt I was ready for some change. I applied for a job as a project assistant within the company. It was a big step for me. I don't like change. I got hired and I knew it was a temporarily job for as long as the project would last. I was sort of hoping it would turn into something permanent and they told me maybe it would. So it was all good. I needed the experience. I would start a new chapter and again learn and develop myself.

About 9 months later cancer hit my world.They never officially replaced me but the project is now finished. My contract will end December this year. Basically my contract says I will go back to being a secretary again. This hit me hard. I don't know why because the thing is, if cancer wouldn't have showed up in my life this would have happened as well. But I would have had more control over it. I would have been able to look around for another job.

Now it feels like something cancer is taking away from me as well. I am god damn tired of cancer taking and taking. It feels like another step backwards in my life.

When I reason this with my mind instead of my heart, I know it's not that bad. I should be happy I still have a job during these hard times. I dare saying I was a good secretary or management assistant as we called it. I know the drill and when I do get back to work, I will at least start with something that is familiar to me. Perspective, perspective! I have a bunch of great colleagues and they will always support me and be there for me. I was there last week and spoke to two colleagues and it felt really good. No big groups of people. Just two of my fave colleagues. That is what I need. No worries about money. Because being a secretary again means lower pay grade. I really have to remind myself health is more important. Happiness is more important.

But all and all it was enough to make me cry for a while.  I am so glad it's almost November. I will meet with a psychiatrist about anti-depressants and my oncologist this month.

The sleepy girl

I'm tired and that's a fact. I would like to explain that there are different ways to feel tired. Because it's an important factor to deal with when you're a cancer patient.

Treatment takes its toll on your body. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy obviously have a huge impact and can make you feel exhausted, even years after finishing treatment. The build-up of toxic substances that are left in the body, yes even when you're done with treatment, can cause extreme fatigue. Doctors do not know all the reasons cancer patients have fatigue. Many conditions may cause fatigue at the same time. It's confusing for both sides I guess. But it makes sense when I tell you that your body needs extra energy to repair and heal body tissue damaged by treatment right?!

Side effects. Yes a lot of us need to take the five year pledge of Tamoxifen. A fantastic drug with a billion side effects and fatigue is one of them. I mean serious business here. I've read stories of 30 year old women whom felt like 90-year-old-walker-grannies. This is one of the reasons why I am so scared to start taking this little pill. Depression is the other one.

The emotional stress of cancer can cause physical problems, including... yes fatigue. It's common for cancer patients to have changes in moods and attitudes. Anxiety and fear are big words all of a sudden. So we often reach a point where we feel both tired mentally and physically. A tough place to be in. Throw in depression. You'll get one big messy pile. Oh so fragile. 

I have FIVE Herceptin left. So I decided to approach this matter in a positive way in my art journal. But when I was done I felt like crap. Five is still a lot and it was so overwhelming. I hate the fact I won't be able to finish my treatment this year but that I have to do two more in 2014. 

So my mood swings are horrible. They go up and down - up and down during the day. I get upset over the smallest things. I worry worry worry. All while I try not to get upset and not to worry. Get it? How this contradiction is wearing me out. 

I am so sensitive. I open facebook and I read another story about breast cancer. I cry. All the Pink Awareness crap I have unsuccessfully tried to ignore. I am sorry if that sounds cruel. But there's another contradiction there. I get so much strength from reading everybody's stories that are similar to mine. And then again, they make me so sad as well and sometimes I just want to avoid breast cancer in general. I don't know if that makes sense. Fight Club quote: "You met me at a very strange time in my life." True story.

So what else is new? I am now taking calcium and vitamin D medication because of the whole osteoporosis thing. I'm seeing my therapist next week again. Psychiatrist and Oncologist are scheduled for November. Wonderful. 

I noticed a small change inside of me. A positive one. The introvert I used to be is slowly turning into someone who thinks communication is a wonderful outlet. Even though it's within a small safe zone, it's progress. When something is bothering me, I now ask myself; am I going to worry about this for three days or just say what is on my mind? It usually comes down to it that I speak my mind. So that's a good thing and I'm hoping to develop it further.

Hair diary update! It's starting to look curly on the back. But hello I want curls on top as well. Guess it's still too short for that. 

Dementor's kiss

You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no... anything. You'll just -- exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone... lost.