October 13, 2012

Go on

Radiation treatment. I finished #14 and have only 7 more to go. After my third week I started to feel tired. My breast looks a little red/purple but it's definitely not as bad as I thought it would be. I try not to think about it too much and just go there everyday as if it's a normal thing. Yeah sure because undressing your upper body in a cold room and getting radiation treatment is a completely normal thing to do when you're 30 years old. Not to mention the waiting room. I haven't seen anybody my age. The youngest are in their 40s, but most are over 60 I think. So it's always a surprise when it's my turn and they call out my name... and I get up instead of my mum or dad.

I have an appointment at the ENT specialist next week. My ears, nose and throat always have been a 'weak spot'. After being diagnosed with breast cancer I don't really trust my instincts any more. Going to the doctor will never be the same. What else are they going to find?! I just want to make sure everything is al right before starting chemo. My oncologist agreed and got me this appointment. 

The last three months I have been reading lots of similar stories to mine. Although most started with a lump. Mine did not. 

I remember exactly. May 2012, sitting on my couch, wearing my favourite Beatles shirt, not wearing a bra. All of a sudden I noticed a dimpling in my right breast. A dimpling is weird. Is it really there? When I was wearing a bra you could barely tell. So what's the first thing you do? You google.

I wasn't alarmed by all the websites I found. I remember reading that most changes found in the breast turn out to be benign (not cancerous).


I did regular self-examinations after that and soon I noticed more changes. Again... no lump. Instead something I would describe as an area of thickening underneath the dimpling. Early July my breast started to hurt sometimes. Time to see a doctor. Who also told me that most changes found in the breast turn out to be not cancerous. But he took my story very serious and made an appointment at the hospital. I was 99% sure it wasn't cancer. After a mammogram, echo and biopsy I was told otherwise.

I just wanted to share and write down my story more detailed than I have before. None of these breast cancer stories are the same. We have to remember that not only the medical facts are different with each person but also the way a person actually deals with everything. I sometimes read stories about people who kept working during radiation treatment and chemo... and it makes me feel bad because I don't. But this is my disease and I have to do whatever will gets me through. I should not feel guilty for taking the time to cope with all of this. I am so focused right now on my treatment I don't want to deal with anything else. I have to set my own boundaries. I will. Even when people aren't always going to understand them.

Let's do some highlights:
  • One of my photos was published in a book called 101 Ways by the Impossible Project. The selection presented in the book shows a wide range of ideas what to do with an Impossible photo once ejected by your Polaroid camera. You can buy the book here.    
  • Celebrated World Animal Day with the bunnies and baked them cookies. Also made a donation to the shelter where I got Charlie from. 
  • It's been a while but I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. My sister never rides her bike.. but when she does, it was raining cats and dogs! So I offered her this lovely plastic purple poncho and she looked hilarious!  
P.S. It's still October Awareness Month. Say NO to "Pinkwashing".



  1. Don't feel bad about not working at the time. It's, as you said, your body. Your mind. Your way of dealing with this. Similar stories? Maybe. But this is your story, and you are the only one who can judge it. Please try not to be hard on yourself in this.
    XX Jen

  2. Ciel good luck with your appointment this week. I will be thinking of you.

    I totally understand the feeling in the waiting room for radiation. I go alone more often then not and often feel strange because so many people look at me wondering why I am there. Why someone so young is wearing the blue gown they put on us for the treatment? The looks from older people make me feel even more sad about this whole experience.

    Congrats on having your photo published in the book! Very cool :)