October 15, 2012

The visit

As I mentioned before my ears, nose and throat are always causing trouble. Instead of sharing my entire medical file let me keep this short. My Eustachian tube is a little funky and I have an overly-sensitive mucous membranes of the nose (or something like that). I already use a nose spray for this and the ENT specialist told me to keep using it during chemo and he also prescribed some salve for when things get nasty. So another thing I can cross off my list. 

And there's something else I can finally cross off my list as well... I was diagnosed with breast cancer during my summer vacation. Which means I left work with a clean desk, told everybody exactly where to find what. So after the whole "You have breast cancer-thing", I just didn't feel like going back there. Then I had surgery. Then I did the whole IVF thing which I kept a secret from everybody. Then I started radiation treatment and got very tired. Today I got home after rad #15 and then I was wondering what to do. What to do. 

I decided to visit my work. Just like that. Spontaneous. An unprepared surprise visit! I'm a project assistant, but you probably have to know I used to work there as secretary. In other words: big network, I know a lot of people. They all know my story by now.

41/52 Rebirth
 Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own cocoon and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.

But I stood at the threshold of new times... and I did it. I talked to 8 colleagues or so and it was good. It was good being there. Just being there. I realized there's stuff I don't want to talk about and I did not. That's okay. I also noticed I sometimes make jokes to lighten up the conversation. Which seems stupid but it's hard for people to talk to me as well. I get that. I'm okay with that. I'm also happy I never gave any of my colleagues the link to this blog. Because I need this place to rant. Just for me. I write them long emails with updates and with a few I have contact by phone. Most of them told me I should do whatever feels right. But then when I sometimes stay silent and not keep in touch for a while... they get all worried and upset. Seriously do you not get it? I need TIME. 

It was exhausting though. Telling your story over and over again. Everybody always has an opinion, some good advice or wants to tell you how they see things. I don't want to hear it. I'm already struggling with my emotions. That's enough. One of my colleagues asked me about my surgery and it caught me off guard. I'm so focused on radiation treatment right now. Above all it made me realize I haven't dealt with most of this shit like at all. Not to mention the whole IVF thing. Now is not the time. You just gotta move on. It will all come back later. I will probably have to get some help by then. Do I get extra points for being aware of this?


  1. Het is (weer) zo herkenbaar om jouw blog te lezen...
    Ik weet niet goed wat ik kan zeggen, alleen dat ik je heel goed begrijp.


  2. I know you cannot wait to finish rads! I couldn't wait to be done. I hope you let yourself rest for a week. That is what I did. Take care!

    1. Yes I have mixed feelings about finishing though. Because chemo is next. But I'll definitely take a short break before starting the next chapter!

  3. You never know how brave you can be until you have no choice. You
    Please don't ever forget that.

  4. Oh Ciel... you are so brave to take a trip back to the office...

    I too make jokes to lighten the air and set the tone for other people. But sometimes that can be dangerous because people say insensitive things or they think they can go super in depth and ask very personal questions.

    And it can be EXHAUSTING. Absolutely.

    You get tons of points of your awareness.

    Big hugs.