A new year in colour

It's time to say goodbye to 2012. To be honest, I try not to think about it too much. Yes, it was the year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm still in the middle of this roller coaster ride... it seems pointless to go over and over it again.

So here comes 2013. I know for sure I will be getting treatment for at least another year. If everything goes as planned I should finish chemo somewhere in April and then the Herceptin will go on. It's weird, isn't it? Most people don't really know what the new year is bringing them. My path is pretty clear and obvious.

But that doesn't mean I can't dream a little dream (in colour).

 
FINISH AC CHEMO
First of all I need to focus on finishing this last sucker. One more. One more, sounds so much better than four.

THE COUNT DOWN
Then I will have four chemo's left. New meds, new side effects. But a real countdown can officially start.

       

HERCEPTIN
The rest of the year I will get Herceptin every three weeks 13x. I have to make this a part of my life. Again, find a new normal.

      

HOME SWEET HOME
Somewhere along the way I want to see if I can move back home together with the buns. Perhaps work a few hours a week.

     

BODY & MIND 
But I also realize after treatment I still have a long way to go and wrap my head around everything that has been happening to me. I do want to seek professional help for this. I also want to start running and pick up yoga again.

HAIR GROW
I can't wait for my hair to grow back! I'm currently drooling over fashion blogger Karla Deras' hair. So sexy!

I hope that 2013 will bring us health, happy homes, strength, courage, lots of smiles, (inner) peace, new (old) music & love. Let us eat cupcakes and macarons! Make art, not war. Hug a bunny (or two!). Last but not least, may 2013 be the year hair grows back faster than usual.

Chemo fog

So I'm back. Sort of. Made it through AC chemo #3.

The day before, I celebrated my 31th birthday with very mixed feeling. It's just not a happy time right now. I wasn't in the mood for any parties. My colleague visited the day before which was nice. On the day itself I had to get another blood test early in the morning. My dad took the day off and so did my sister. She prepared two huge bags with lovely sweet cute gifts and they were the highlight of my day! I enjoyed every single one. We had some Chinese food and that's about it.

Chemo #3 was another tough one. This time I talked a bit with two other women also being treated for breast cancer. One of them even wanted to know where I got my hats. We shared some tips and tricks about blueberry juice and ginger tea. It was okay, but I have to admit I prefer to listen to my iPod because it relaxes me.

I also talked to the nurse about being so nervous and everything. Basically she told me what everyone else has been telling me. That I just have to accept the fact I will be sick for a week and to not  struggle against it. Once I will start to feel better I should enjoy myself and go out and do fun stuff. It sounds so easy. But it's not. You can't just forget... It's not a switch you can just turn on and off  whenever you feel like it.

I remember after my first chemo I felt so relieved when I started to feel better again. But now it only seems to get harder and harder. I guess that makes sense. Although no chemo feels the same, you now know what to expect. And I hate it. I hate that black hole and everything that comes with it.

So this time I already started to feel sick a few hours after coming home. As expected I slept mostly through Christmas and I'm glad the Holidays are almost over. 2013 is peeking around the corner and it means I have to do ONE more AC. Then we're changing to TH with new meds, new side effects, new worries but also new hope.

Never lose your sparkle

The power of art

There's a song by Newton Faulkner called Uncomfortably Slow and at some point he sings: So don't take my photograph because I don't wanna know how it looks to feel like this. 

Photography has been a big creative outlet for me over the last three years. I would always describe my style as conceptual and artistic with a sense of sweetness. Fine art by a dreamer.

After being diagnosed with breast cancer I knew my photography would change as well. That black chemo hole kept haunting me for a while but after turning it into something visual I feel much better now.

I don't know how I will look back on this series in a few years... but I believe in documenting life. I believe in displacing the pain and putting it in a story or a poem, on canvas... or in a camera. The human suffering is art in its purest form.

Then it's December

I always get a little melancholic at the end of the year. With the Holidays, my birthday (December 20) coming up.. and of course another year has passed by. What do you say to someone who will continues treatment in 2013 and will be on this medical roller coaster for at least another year? Happy fucking new year?!

My second chemo was pretty much the same. Except I started to feel sick that same night. So Saturday and Sunday weren't much fun either and then Monday I hit rock bottom and reached my black hole. Four or five days later I slowly start to crawl out of it again.

I have to say, chemo is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's THE most darkest, loneliest, scariest, cold place you can imagine. I feel nauseous when looking at the Instagram pictures I took during chemo. I feel sick when I see an IV on TV. Even the thought of the smell of chemo pee brings me out in a rash.

So when I physically started to feel better, mentally I was in a different state of mind. Mind and body are so out of balance these days. I will get my next, third round of chemo the day after my 31st birthday and will be sick during the Holidays. All and all I'm having the feeling number three is going to be a tough one. But once that one is over.. I will only get one more AC in 2013 and I'm very VERY happy about that! I am so hoping the TH is going to be easier and with less side effects!

So yes I'm feeling a little bit better again and I'm just going to try and enjoy the next two weeks of Holiday cheer.