December 28, 2012

Chemo fog

So I'm back. Sort of. Made it through AC chemo #3.

The day before, I celebrated my 31th birthday with very mixed feeling. It's just not a happy time right now. I wasn't in the mood for any parties. My colleague visited the day before which was nice. On the day itself I had to get another blood test early in the morning. My dad took the day off and so did my sister. She prepared two huge bags with lovely sweet cute gifts and they were the highlight of my day! I enjoyed every single one. We had some Chinese food and that's about it.

Chemo #3 was another tough one. This time I talked a bit with two other women also being treated for breast cancer. One of them even wanted to know where I got my hats. We shared some tips and tricks about blueberry juice and ginger tea. It was okay, but I have to admit I prefer to listen to my iPod because it relaxes me.

I also talked to the nurse about being so nervous and everything. Basically she told me what everyone else has been telling me. That I just have to accept the fact I will be sick for a week and to not  struggle against it. Once I will start to feel better I should enjoy myself and go out and do fun stuff. It sounds so easy. But it's not. You can't just forget... It's not a switch you can just turn on and off  whenever you feel like it.

I remember after my first chemo I felt so relieved when I started to feel better again. But now it only seems to get harder and harder. I guess that makes sense. Although no chemo feels the same, you now know what to expect. And I hate it. I hate that black hole and everything that comes with it.

So this time I already started to feel sick a few hours after coming home. As expected I slept mostly through Christmas and I'm glad the Holidays are almost over. 2013 is peeking around the corner and it means I have to do ONE more AC. Then we're changing to TH with new meds, new side effects, new worries but also new hope.


  1. For 2013 I wish you:

    that you can be happy again
    that you can smile again
    that you aren't scared
    that you have no pain
    that you don't have sad and depressing thoughts anymore
    that you don't have so many tears in your eyes
    that your hair grows back prettier than before
    that you can enjoy your birthday and Christmas
    that your next visits by your gyn are filled with good news
    that everything will be fine the next 60+ years

    Happy New Year prettytear ;)

    1. Oh dear Tracy, you got me all teary eyed! So sweet of you! Thank you so much for your beautiful warm wish! Happy new year hugs for you!