I'm happy the Holidays are over and that things can get back to normal. Normal as in finishing my fourth chemo next week.
Yesterday I decided it was time to visit my work again. Have a cup of tea with a couple of colleagues, wish them a happy new year. After changing my mind several times I decided to wear a hat instead of my wig. I like to wear my wig when I go out and be anonymous. But when I'm around people who know I have breast cancer I always feel a little weird wearing it. I feel just as comfy with a hat. So I figured what the hell. It's actually so cold outside I usually wear two hats, or my wig with a hat! Being bald is ice ice cold!
I still had to take a few deep breaths before entering the building but it definitely wasn't as hard as last time. So then I talked to a bunch of people. Mostly about how I felt about chemo. How I have been dealing with things. Then I talked to some more people, even had lunch with a sweet colleague. Kept telling the same story over and over again. My story. My worries. My pain. My world.
I stayed for more than three hours so by the time I got home I was exhausted. Even today I still am pretty upset. I really believe self-knowledge is they key to everything, but I have a hard time figuring out why I feel so sad all of a sudden.
I guess it's just confronting. Telling your story over and over again. I usually write things down, but when you actually hear the words out loud I guess it's different. Being there also reminded me of the long road I still have to go. How difficult it's going to be, picking up the pieces when treatment is done. It was just all a little too much I suppose?
So we learn from the past and set new goals for the future. Back to basics. One step at a time. Oh and how a good cry and a blog post can help!