January 4, 2013

All things come in waves

I'm happy the Holidays are over and that things can get back to normal. Normal as in finishing my fourth chemo next week.

Yesterday I decided it was time to visit my work again. Have a cup of tea with a couple of colleagues, wish them a happy new year. After changing my mind several times I decided to wear a hat instead of my wig. I like to wear my wig when I go out and be anonymous. But when I'm around people who know I have breast cancer I always feel a little weird wearing it. I feel just as comfy with a hat. So I figured what the hell. It's actually so cold outside I usually wear two hats, or my wig with a hat! Being bald is ice ice cold!

I still had to take a few deep breaths before entering the building but it definitely wasn't as hard as last time. So then I talked to a bunch of people. Mostly about how I felt about chemo. How I have been dealing with things. Then I talked to some more people, even had lunch with a sweet colleague. Kept telling the same story over and over again. My story. My worries. My pain. My world.

All Things Come In Waves

I stayed for more than three hours so by the time I got home I was exhausted. Even today I still am pretty upset. I really believe self-knowledge is they key to everything, but I have a hard time figuring out why I feel so sad all of a sudden.

I guess it's just confronting. Telling your story over and over again. I usually write things down, but when you actually hear the words out loud I guess it's different. Being there also reminded me of the long road I still have to go. How difficult it's going to be, picking up the pieces when treatment is done. It was just all a little too much I suppose?

So we learn from the past and set new goals for the future. Back to basics. One step at a time. Oh and how a good cry and a blog post can help!


  1. I like that photo. The tones, everything looks so delicate.
    Your colleagues were happy to see you I bet. I can imagine that it's hard telling your story so often but maybe it helps saying it out loud, a bit? I don't know. I guess it's the confronting too.
    You know I told you about my gyn appointment on dec.21st? I asked for an ultrasound, my doctor asked me why, I told your story and guess what - they found a lump in my left breast. Very small (you can't feel it) and the doc said it looks like a fibroademona. I have another appointment on the 17th by a specialized doctor to see what it is.
    Normally I wouldn't be so scared but knowing your story.... gee, I'm scared as hell! The more I think about it the more scared I get, so I try not to think about it.
    It's hard, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to think positive.
    I read a cute sign today, it says "do more of what makes you happy" - maybe that works :)

    1. Oh Tracy,
      Just remember that in most cases it's something innocent! I'm glad you followed your instinct though and told your doctor my story. Keep me posted and if you have any questions feel free to contact me.

  2. Oh man I hear ya with the repeat and repeats of stories... it can be so draining. But at the time you don't even really realize it as you are telling the same tales again and again. It's not until afterwards that you really feel exhausted... in the body and in the mind. Although, I will admit that it is confronting for sure when you have to talk about it to someone you don't see often or someone who has no clue and you need to fill them in. It makes it all that much more real. And depressing... I often feel as I tell people I have been dealing with cancer that "this isn't me. this isn't my life." but it is... so crazy what life throws at you.

    A good cry is always helpful indeed. And a little release via blogging helps too :)

    hugs and best of luck to you next week lovely lady

    1. So true, because at the time I didn't realize it at all. I was so happy to see everybody. It wasn't until afterwards that it hit me! Will write you back tonight! XX

  3. Yes.. socializing has a funny way of not seeming like 'work' at the time... but later you feel a bit depleted if you spent a lot of time explaining... telling stories... and trying to help people understand.