Wreck this

It seems to be the month of tough conversations.

So after I let everything sunk in from my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW... I received his report. It is so freakin' hard to read what people write about your emotional well-being. Especially when our conversation didn't last any longer than 15 minutes and I still get mad when I think about the pain his words caused me. But guess what his report wasn't so bad! He got the point pretty much right. The essence of my story and why I am not working right now.

So today I talked to the employment specialist and I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to bring up the insurance doctor or not. But we got to talk about the report pretty soon and so I simply told him everything. That it caused me a lot of pain and that I felt I was treated badly. That you don't deal with people this way. He knew this doctor pretty well and we had a good conversation. Which was such a relieve. I have to wait for there final decision, but if everything goes right I'm just going to leave it at that. At work they wanted me to file a complaint but I don't think I want to. It will cost me too much energy. The report was pretty much okay. My appointment with the employment specialist made me feel better. Hey we even got to talk about bunnies! So sometimes you have to let things go. All I want is other people to understand why I am not working at this moment and the safety net that is out there to catch me. Because I have fallen. From high.

On Monday I talked to my psychologist. Not a great conversation either because... yes here it comes... she told me that my cancer diagnoses hit me hard.. perhaps harder than it would hit other people. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?! Do we not learn that you can not compare yourself to other people? And that grief can not be compared to grief? I was and still am very upset about her remark. I lived my own personal horror story! I don't know what she meant by it. There might be some truth in there, but it sure as hell isn't doing me any good. Which sucks, because so far, no matter how painful they are, our conversations were always pretty good. I definitely have to ask her about this next time because it's been bothering me for a while now.

She actually also wanted me to be on anti-depressants again but I refused. I hate it how I let things become so big and then they just blow up in my head. Not good. I am fragile and emotional YES! I cry ALL the time. But never do I want to feel again like I was on anti-depressants. I know they weren't they right ones for me... but I don't think a pill is going to solve everything. I have to find my way through this. Grief, cry, mourn, scream... whatever. But at least they are real feelings. They are me.

Next week I have my mammogram. As you can guess I'm absolutely crazy nervous about this.

Seriously?!

Today was my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW. The Dutch safety net for people who are sick for longer than two years. I was nervous but prepared. Or so I thought.

I was meeting with this doctor under the assumption we would talk for an hour. He shook my hand and then said, "So you had a tumor and are depressed now?"

Wow. I mean wow. REALLY?! That's how you start a conversation?

So I answered that my story was a bit longer than that and so was my treatment plan. So we discussed that for a bit, I went through the numbers... radiation therapy, chemo and herceptin.

Then he wanted to know why I wasn't working. I know he was doing his job, but seriously just a tiny bit of empathy would have helped and made me feel better. I gave him the papers of my oncologist and pharmacist because I came prepared. He made a stupid comment about the font size of the paper work the company doctor sent.

Then we talked about my emotional state of mind and he asked me why I wasn't seeing a therapist more often. Fucking rude dude!

If you think that's all... no he wasn't finished. After 15 minutes (!!!) he asked if I wanted to add anything to our conversation or felt something was left out. I was flabbergasted this was it. So I told him that I didn't feel our conversation did justice to the pain I am feeling and the horrible thing I went through at age 30. You know what he said? "It could have been worse, you should be happy to be alive."

So yes I left there very upset. Yes that's an understatement. I called my boss afterwards and I'm thankful for her support. I know whatever happens I still have a job. I also have a good feeling about our company doctor and his judgement.

At first I was really upset and sad... but now when I think about it I get so angry as well. Treating me like that after everything I have been through. You do not have the right to speak to me like that! Motherfucker. It's not like I broke my leg or something like that. I didn't go on a cruise asshole! I had cancer and my soul and body feel torn apart.

Next week I have to go back for another meeting with an employment specialist. I am seriously hoping for someone a bit more qualified. Or better yet, a bit more human.

Love yourself first

I seriously have way too high expectations. Life, people... blah. Words do hurt. The absence of words do too.

All I wanted was a bit of happiness, a bit of sunshine. So far it has been raining and not exactly a good month. But May isn't over yet. Perhaps it's not too late.

I am so tired of feeling all these feelings. I'm scared and lost. Lonely and angry. Sad and nervous. I know I try too hard sometimes. But I just wish a day would go by without me thinking about the c-word. Because I am sick and tired of it. Everything. People have no clue about the ripple effect.

Next week I have to talk to the insurance doctor at the UVW about my sick leave. Not exactly something I'm looking forward to. But hey it's the c-word... and that is how it is.

I hate how much I doubt myself. I can't stand how emotional I am. I stress about everything. I can not even begin to explain it. You might think I'm crazy. But trust me the effects of the c-word are HUGE. I know I'm better off accepting it. But that is very hard. Because the c-word took away so much from me. I know if I get through this it will make me a stronger person. With a different view at life. But I'm not there yet.  

Okay at least let me try to end this with some positive news. Six of my photos will be available in the Cardcetera webshop as a postcard series! I am so proud of this! You can read an introduction here. I really should listen to my own advice I just realized. These postcards are pretty clever ;)

Hello May

Hello May. I want you to be a good month. I want sunshine and baby ducklings! Bunny hugs and bare feet! I want ice cream and well most important... I want to feel good.

Being sick for two weeks brought back a lot of the bad stuff. Almost as if they waited till I was down and then started kicking me one last time! Lots of chemo memories. Other stuff. I just want to forget it. Move on.

I had another Zoladex injection and fuck, I hate it so much. This one has got to keep me going for three months though. But seriously, I have been through a lot. Pin cushion that's me. But this Zoladex injection, even with local anaesthesia it is one tough son of a bitch. Egh!

I met with a colleague yesterday. We talked outside on a bench at the river side. It was nice. I still get upset so easily and I am tired so quickly. Sometimes this blue blanket of sadness just comes over me in the middle of the day. It could be something a stranger says, or something I read, something on TV. Last week I woke up and I was all of a sudden sitting in a hospital bed, bald. The image was so vivid. Almost real.

But I don't know, I just want to enjoy life again. Even if it is just the small things. I also have some exciting news coming up (photography-wise) and that is why I want May to be a good month. Are you with me?