Chemo will start next week. I wasn't looking forward to my two week break from everything. But all I can say it's been the right decision. I have been eating food I love. Eating apfelstrudel with vanilla sauce and sipping tea with my sister. I just really enjoy these simple moments. I bought myself a Nintendo 3DS XL to get me through chemo (and it makes me feel like a little boy). Also I have started to prepare a chemo kit. Including products and medication that should make it just a little easier. Truth is, it just makes me feel a little bit more in control.
Of course there are hard times. I don't have much contact with my neighbours but so far three know about my health situation. The other day I ran into this guy who lives next door and after some hesitation I told him that I was sick. He actually asked me a while ago how I was doing and I told him everything was fine. I felt so bad for lying. So this time I was fighting to hold back tears but realized I couldn't. I think he assumed I was talking about a burn out or something like that. You don't expect your 30 year old neighbour to tell you she has breast cancer.
I'm not very good with making decisions these days. It's very hard to decide who to include in your circle. This new circle that is oh so personal.
But telling him was probably the right thing. Although I did wonder afterwards why it was so hard for me. Then I realized it was the first time I told somebody I am sick.. just like that, out of the blue. I have talked about it with people, but they already knew. It's very different when you just pull out the cancer card unexpectedly on someone like that. Very confronting.
I also found out they are sort of going to replace me at work. Which was.. well awkward. I mean of course I understand it.. and it's okay. But it's tough that I'm here, at home. While they are out there. You know... moving, working, living.
But hey I have other things on my mind. Focus! Focus! Rush into the fray!