November 2, 2012

Short break

Chemo will start next week. I wasn't looking forward to my two week break from everything. But all I can say it's been the right decision. I have been eating food I love. Eating apfelstrudel with vanilla sauce and sipping tea with my sister. I just really enjoy these simple moments. I bought myself a Nintendo 3DS XL to get me through chemo (and it makes me feel like a little boy). Also I have started to prepare a chemo kit. Including products and medication that should make it just a little easier. Truth is, it just makes me feel a little bit more in control.

Of course there are hard times. I don't have much contact with my neighbours but so far three know about my health situation. The other day I ran into this guy who lives next door and after some hesitation I told him that I was sick. He actually asked me a while ago how I was doing and I told him everything was fine. I felt so bad for lying. So this time I was fighting to hold back tears but realized I couldn't. I think he assumed I was talking about a burn out or something like that. You don't expect your 30 year old neighbour to tell you she has breast cancer.

I'm not very good with making decisions these days. It's very hard to decide who to include in your circle. This new circle that is oh so personal.

But telling him was probably the right thing. Although I did wonder afterwards why it was so hard for me. Then I realized it was the first time I told somebody I am sick.. just like that, out of the blue. I have talked about it with people, but they already knew. It's very different when you just pull out the cancer card unexpectedly on someone like that. Very confronting.   

I also found out they are sort of going to replace me at work. Which was.. well awkward. I mean of course I understand it.. and it's okay. But it's tough that I'm here, at home. While they are out there. You know... moving, working, living.

But hey I have other things on my mind. Focus! Focus! Rush into the fray!

10 comments:

  1. Girls things will be hard but you can do it I just know it. You have cancer it does not have you! Yes the beast took attack on your insides but you are not sick, you are fighting a battle and will come out a warrior princess. Hope you do not mind that comment I just want you to see how strong you can be! Much love and peace to you!

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    1. Thank you for your comment! I would very much like to be a warrior princess! Game on!

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  2. "You don't expect your 30 year old neighbour to tell you she has breast cancer." You really don't :( Stay strong! I'd make you homemade Apfelstrudel if you were my neighbor ;)

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  3. Ja dat is zo moeilijk en confronterend... maar wat goed dat je het hebt verteld! Xx

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  4. I will be thinking of you this week Ciel... it starts tomorrow? Or the 7th? I cant remember what you said... Either way I am sending you positive love, peace and light this week... If you end up getting really anxious ask for an Ativan (anti-anxiety pill)...It really helps calm you down. I took one at the beginning of every new drug and it really helped with chilling me out. And another tip: suck on lollypops during treatment to mask the smell and taste of the drugs. They can really gross you out after the first round. And try not to eat things you LOVE during chemo... it can ruin them because you might always associate the foods with treatment and therefore feel sick every time you attempt to eat it later on. (Just some things I noticed, that might help you)

    I totally can relate with having to tell someone for the first time that you are sick... it happened with a neighbour for me too. It felt really uncomfortable. I often feel like I have to act super positive and appear really upbeat and NOT sick when I have to tell someone... because I feel like they are looking for signs of sickness... That is one thing that drives me crazy... "Well, you don't look sick." comments.

    All the best to you this week warrior princess! xo

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    1. Oh dear no pizza for me then! Better have a few before I start chemo though ;)
      Thanks for the lollypop tip!

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  5. I am thinking of you as you start this leg of your journey. Please know you can email me with anything. It does wonders for you to be able to communicate with someone who has there. Praying for you.

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  6. I think you did well telling your neighbour.
    Thinking of you!
    XX Jen

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