August 14, 2013

Here comes crazy

Exactly one year ago I had my surgery, a lumpectomy. I try not to think about it too much. What's the point?!

I'm here now.

A long road it was and still is. I think that is the hardest part. The part that other people will never understand. That cancer is always on my mind these days. Finding distraction is so hard. After a year of treatment I feel like I have barely any strength/energy left. I still have to do six months of Herceptin. And it's Her-crap-tin.

There's so many small things, it's too much. Little things. A normal person wouldn't even bother to give it even one thought. But after a year on this crazy roller coaster I can cry over almost anything now. The Tamoxifen I haven't started and I'm so scared about the side effects. All the Herceptin I still have to do. Telling my story. Answering questions. It's hard to say it out loud, "I'm not doing so good right now." The side effects from chemo and radiation therapy. Confrontations. My hair which of course isn't growing as fast as I want to. Losing a nail. You name it. I cry about it.  

Pretty Tears In Her Face

So I have some news, I'm finally going to see a psych! I will have my first appointment on Monday. Really nervous. But then again, if you can name one thing I'm not nervous about these days I'll applaud you.

Also wanted to thank those that found my blog and emailed me. I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to respond personally but it's just so hard. Sometimes I just don't know what to say... but do know I appreciate every single email. 

12 comments:

  1. Oh Ciel... I totally feel you on this post. I am having a bit of a rough time myself this week. Cancer is constantly on my mind too. I am also going to see a new psych soon... the referral is in. I wish you much luck on Monday. You will feel so much better after it. Big hugs.

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    1. Will talk to you soon! Missed you girlie! XX

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  2. Cry, scream, laugh, all of those. Feel your feelings.
    I wish I could offer more. Demons can grab such a hold of you, and it's hard for anyone to really understand enough to give you solace.
    I hope the psych helps.
    You're like a little sister to me, somehow, and I think of you often. I can also be an unbiased listener.
    I am here if you need it.

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    1. You are so sweet! Thank you Lance!

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  3. I kind of think this part of having cancer - after surgery, chemo and radiation are over is harder than the first year was. We're not "done" with treatment, but its sort of winding down. I feel like I went into survival mode for the first year, just trying to get from one step to the next and now its all catching up with me mentally. You're definitely not alone and you're doing a great thing for yourself to go talk to someone. You should be really proud of yourself. Best of luck on Monday! xoxo

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    1. Thanks so much Jill! You are definitely right...the first year was crazy.. and so little time to fully realize what is happening to us. XX

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  4. Soms weet ik ook niet goed wat ik moet zeggen. Wil ik je zo graag helpen en niet lastig vallen met mijn 'struggles' die je misschien alleen maar meer zorgen geven...
    Het is helemaal geen probleem als je even niet reageert, ik snap heel goed dat dat soms gewoon teveel is, dat je wel wil maar het niet lukt. En ondanks alles stuur je mij een super lief pakketje vol leuke verrassingen! Ik hoop dat je een prettig gesprek hebt maandag en dat je wat hebt aan de psych. Liefs! (en een kopje van Siep en Tibbe)

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    1. Heb je even een mailtje gestuurd (ha ha) en ben blij dat jij (en Siep en Tibbe) het pakje leuk vonden! :D

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  5. Good luck with your appointment. I hope it's going to be a rock for you in dealing with all these emotions. Good luck, good luck, good luck :) ~Catherine

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  6. I wonder how your appointment is going to go, if you feel comforatble, what he/she's going to ask and how it all will be tomorrow. I hope you'll feel good and that the psych will make you feel better after time!
    So, they still didn't invent a "stop thinking" button for brains, right?! Damn... again I wish there'd be something like that. Everything would be so much easier.

    Sending hugs up north, xox!

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    1. I'm leaving in an hour or so. Very nervous for my appointment. It's just a consult, I'm meeting her for the first time.. so for now I'm just hoping I will like her!
      Yes we need a button like that!

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