Here comes nervous Nellie

It's chemo week again. Friday I have number 7 in front of me. Which means: distraction! I have been working on creative projects, updated my photography website and took lots of photos. I went shopping today. None of my jeans fit me any more because of the weight loss.

I also sort of wrote a BC guide. You can find it on the menu on the right or just click here. No medical advice, because every case is different. I see it more like a guide with products and other helpful tips that helped me through surgery and treatment. I hope it will be helpful for those just stepping into this crazy roller coaster.  

Distraction, I actually overdid it a bit I think. The thing is, I am still wondering when I'm going to break down. When am I going to lose control?! What a mindfuck!

I worry about so many things it's crazy. A peek inside my head? What are my neighbours going to say when they see me. When do my colleagues expect me back at work. Will everybody assume I'm okay once I have hair again. How do I maintain a healthy lifestyle without obsessing over it. How will I get back into shape. Will I ever get through a day without thinking about cancer. What's going to happen with all the scans and mammograms I still have to do. Will I ever be truly happy and carefree again. That worst-case-scenario, what if. Will I ever be able to talk about fertility and the invisible scars. (...)

Well you get the point.

I do realize these thoughts are actually pretty normal, going through something like this. But it's hard to keep things under control. That is why my friend Ashley and I set two goals for this week. I decided to take pictures to help me practise them.

1. Being in the now: most of us are actually elsewhere, rather than in the here and now. We can't control the future. We can't change the past. Being present is almost like meditation. There’s a concept called Flow. Basically it's about losing yourself in whatever you’re doing — reaching that magical zone where you forget about the outside world and are completely doing what you’re doing, whether that’s writing, drawing, yoga, running, taking pictures or whatever. It’s a wonderfully productive zone to be in, and a state that also makes you happier. Productive and happier at the same time. Hard to beat that.

2. Let go: worry is a mindset, a habit. Energy flows where you focus your attention. Understand that we can choose to focus on positive rather than negative thoughts. The best way find relief from constant worrying is to learn to let go. Worrying does not bring you any closer to solving problems. In fact, it only makes it more difficult to find clarity in your head.