March 13, 2013

Here comes nervous Nellie

It's chemo week again. Friday I have number 7 in front of me. Which means: distraction! I have been working on creative projects, updated my photography website and took lots of photos. I went shopping today. None of my jeans fit me any more because of the weight loss.

I also sort of wrote a BC guide. You can find it on the menu on the right or just click here. No medical advice, because every case is different. I see it more like a guide with products and other helpful tips that helped me through surgery and treatment. I hope it will be helpful for those just stepping into this crazy roller coaster.  

Distraction, I actually overdid it a bit I think. The thing is, I am still wondering when I'm going to break down. When am I going to lose control?! What a mindfuck!

I worry about so many things it's crazy. A peek inside my head? What are my neighbours going to say when they see me. When do my colleagues expect me back at work. Will everybody assume I'm okay once I have hair again. How do I maintain a healthy lifestyle without obsessing over it. How will I get back into shape. Will I ever get through a day without thinking about cancer. What's going to happen with all the scans and mammograms I still have to do. Will I ever be truly happy and carefree again. That worst-case-scenario, what if. Will I ever be able to talk about fertility and the invisible scars. (...)

Well you get the point.

I do realize these thoughts are actually pretty normal, going through something like this. But it's hard to keep things under control. That is why my friend Ashley and I set two goals for this week. I decided to take pictures to help me practise them.

Being In The Now
1. Being in the now: most of us are actually elsewhere, rather than in the here and now. We can't control the future. We can't change the past. Being present is almost like meditation. There’s a concept called Flow. Basically it's about losing yourself in whatever you’re doing — reaching that magical zone where you forget about the outside world and are completely doing what you’re doing, whether that’s writing, drawing, yoga, running, taking pictures or whatever. It’s a wonderfully productive zone to be in, and a state that also makes you happier. Productive and happier at the same time. Hard to beat that.

Let Go
2. Let go: worry is a mindset, a habit. Energy flows where you focus your attention. Understand that we can choose to focus on positive rather than negative thoughts. The best way find relief from constant worrying is to learn to let go. Worrying does not bring you any closer to solving problems. In fact, it only makes it more difficult to find clarity in your head.


  1. I wish you much much luck for your goals. Being in the now is so hard. Some days it's quite easy, you're happy, and other days you just can't stop about thinking of what will be. And then all the negative thoughts hit you and it seems like you go deeper and deeper. :(
    But maybe, after you're done with Chemo and after you're done having all those side-effects, maybe you start living a more normal life again each day more and more and maybe everything you're going through now is moving more and more in the past and out of your mind. That's what I wish for you.
    Two days from now you'll have one more chemo left! You can look forward to that last one :) Maybe?
    Have a good night and sleep tight <3

    1. Hi Tracy, your comments always amaze me! But I guess sometimes when something bad happens in your life positivity comes from unexpected corners from all over the world ;)

    2. Like my mom always says, "Don't be such a worrywart" - I worry and think way too much and always expect the worse :( And although I don't even know you "in real" ;), I worry... so... ONE MORE!!!!!!

  2. Oh C├ęcile. You are one special lady. Great BC Guide, stunning photographs and beautiful attitude. I am so so so so so proud of you!

    I hope that the rest of the week you can follow our mottos. Even if not for all of the time, but for a little. Baby steps, right? We can do them together :)

    And just think, pretty soon you will only have one more Taxol to go and you'll be done that part of the crazy ride.

    Sending love always. xo

    Your friend,

    – Ashley

    1. Ahw thank you Ashley! Your friendship means a lot to me! XOX