March 24, 2013

Number se7en

It started with two days of crying and sobbing. I still don't really know if that's the Dexamethason messing with me or if these feelings are really coming from inside. I do believe the chemo drugs are seriously fucking with me. This stuff is hardcore. Since chemo travels to each cell in the body via the bloodstream, it obviously must have an affect on your thinking. It seems I pulled through pretty well this time. Just keeping my fingers crossed for next week when the white blood cells will drop. The weather is so cold over here. No infections. No nothing please. 

At the end of the week I all of sudden realized I have only one chemo left and started reading about Herceptin and Hormonal therapy. So basically I ended the week like I started it, with lots of crying and sobbing. A few hours later I decided to put on the big girl panties, the wig and some make-up. I went out for some groceries. Which sounds lame, but it was exactly what I needed.

So yeah I have to admit for a while I wasn't living in the now any more. I have one chemo left. One. I have some seriously mixed feelings about this. I know, of course I'm thrilled it's over. Chemo was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through in my life. I've never felt so sad and alone. I've never been to darker corners in my life before. But now what? Will my body be okay. Will it back me up when I need it the most. Can I depend on it again? I guess we have to trust each other again, and that  takes time.

My family keeps reminding me of all the fun stuff I get to do once chemo is over. How much better I will feel. This drama queen started yelling she didn't want hear it! I'm not ready. I can't see it yet. I don't feel it. I have so many worries left. Such a long path lies still ahead of me. The Herceptin for the rest of the year and I will probably soon start the Hormonal therapy for five years. Which is not just a pill, but one with many consequences. So many things to worry about. I will get my mammogram and dexa scan in June with a follow-up appointment. My first echocardiogram this week. How can a person not worry about that?!

My life will never ever be the same. Not when I finish chemo. Never.

But.

It's spring. Soon it will be summer. My favourite time of the year. Things will get better. I'll find my way.. even if it's through a wilderness of despair. 

9 comments:

  1. Oh Ciel <3

    All those open questions and only the future brings the answers. I'd be so scared to get my breast checked again via echo and mammo. I'm even scared to get my next echo in April because I'm worried the biopsy turned the fibro into an angry little monster (I haven't checked my breast myself yet)... so yeah, I sometimes really wish that people could just stop thinking and worrying. The OFF button, you know.

    Thoughts like you have about the future really eat you from the inside. I hope the summer months can cheer you up again a bit with all the sunshine (hopefully) and warm weather (hopefully).

    Here in southern Germany the summers the last years were always a bit bleh - but - I ate ice-cream quite a lot so that's good ;)

    I also do believe that the chemo drugs are seriously fucking with you! It sucks that it "ruins" the healthy cells as well. But I can't imagine that your body will not be ok after, but like you said, it just needs time. The healthy cells will be recovering and you'll see that with your first hair grow :)

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    1. Yes cheers to that first hair grow! I like how you put that and that the healthy cells will be recovering at the same time. All while spring/summer blooms! <3 Thanks Tracy

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  2. I feel you on this one Cécile... so totally there. It reminds me of how much I was longing for Summer last year myself... (my fave season too) There will be a series of mixed emotions leading up to and after the last Taxol. Because you are expecting this, I think that will help even if it's just a tiny bit. I know it doesn't make the unknowns, continual treatment and tests easier... but at least you are bracing for what is to come... I have met some people who did not see the confusion of finishing treatment coming and it is even harder I think when you have high expectations of life being awesome afterwards!

    It's important, I think, to communicate to family and friends how you are feeling about it all. Let them know... and if you need to pull drama queen and ask them to not set you up with pressure, so be it! This is your wild ride. You dictate the pace to your loved ones. It can be hard for them to understand, but at least you make yourself heard.

    As always, much love. xo

    – Ashley

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    1. Thanks Ash, yeah I hope it helps me a little that I'm very self aware and I do have a feeling of what's coming. You always know what to say and make me feel better! Thanks you for that! XX

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    2. :) Aww that's sweet. I am happy that I help, even if it's just a tiny bit.
      Anytime darlin'! xo

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  3. Hi Cécile, I found it helpful to plan something for after chemo (and a few months recovery) like going to the beach. There's nothing like laying on a beach to feel human again and escape hospital hell. Good luck with your last chemo, and just pushing through. (And yeah, I'm 100% certain chemo causes emotional craziness.) ~Catherine

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    1. Thank you Catherine! Good to know you agree on the emotional craziness!

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  4. It's easy for those of us to try and fill your head with positive thoughts. We'll try and remind you of all the things you will be able to do, how your life will get back to normal, etc, because we don't know. I do not know how many people you share this part of your life with, and how many have had to endure this horrible thing that has entered your life. We want nothing more than for you to feel like yourself, not for us, but for you. We sometimes will push to hard, because we see how much pain you're in.
    We love you. I really don't know how else to put it. When you love someone, you want to take care of them, and there is nothing you wouldn't do. We just have to learn what and how to do it.
    You do what you need to do. Cry. Scream. Laugh. All of the above.
    We're all going to be here, however you need us.

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    1. Yeah I realize, especially when it comes to my family that we're in this together. And that maybe I have to guide them a little as well. I will do all Lance, I promise you that... scream, cry & laugh!

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