It started with two days of crying and sobbing. I still don't really know if that's the Dexamethason messing with me or if these feelings are really coming from inside. I do believe the chemo drugs are seriously fucking with me. This stuff is hardcore. Since chemo travels to each cell in the body via the bloodstream, it obviously must have an affect on your thinking. It seems I pulled through pretty well this time. Just keeping my fingers crossed for next week when the white blood cells will drop. The weather is so cold over here. No infections. No nothing please.
At the end of the week I all of sudden realized I have only one chemo left and started reading about Herceptin and Hormonal therapy. So basically I ended the week like I started it, with lots of crying and sobbing. A few hours later I decided to put on the big girl panties, the wig and some make-up. I went out for some groceries. Which sounds lame, but it was exactly what I needed.
So yeah I have to admit for a while I wasn't living in the now any more. I have one chemo left. One. I have some seriously mixed feelings about this. I know, of course I'm thrilled it's over. Chemo was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through in my life. I've never felt so sad and alone. I've never been to darker corners in my life before. But now what? Will my body be okay. Will it back me up when I need it the most. Can I depend on it again? I guess we have to trust each other again, and that takes time.
My family keeps reminding me of all the fun stuff I get to do once chemo is over. How much better I will feel. This drama queen started yelling she didn't want hear it! I'm not ready. I can't see it yet. I don't feel it. I have so many worries left. Such a long path lies still ahead of me. The Herceptin for the rest of the year and I will probably soon start the Hormonal therapy for five years. Which is not just a pill, but one with many consequences. So many things to worry about. I will get my mammogram and dexa scan in June with a follow-up appointment. My first echocardiogram this week. How can a person not worry about that?!
My life will never ever be the same. Not when I finish chemo. Never.
It's spring. Soon it will be summer. My favourite time of the year. Things will get better. I'll find my way.. even if it's through a wilderness of despair.